Wednesday, November 28, 2012

To teacher or to non teacher?

Image by MBPblue



 Do I need a non duality teacher? That's been the question of late...and it seems for others too. I opened a post today from Non Duality America  - Q&A with Dr Robert Saltzman #2 on this very subject... but first I'd like to to go back a bit...

Like many of you, over the years I have thrown myself into various spiritual beliefs and had a few teachers along the way. Well kind of. My first experience of a spritual teacher, to whom I totally surrendered my life much to my family's concern, ended up having a nervous breakdown and me running for the hills. After that I became aware of the word 'cult' and was a little reluctant to place so much faith in any one person. So what did I do? I joined the Catholic Church. Why? Safety in history and numbers me thinks! Well... it just seemed like a good idea at the time.

Yep... the church became my next teacher... which didn't last long due to the amazingly obvious outdated beliefs, a very arrogant priest denying me absolution of my sins as I was living with my 'to be' husband (it was 1997)... and too many incredibly boring sermons on Sundays.  I did like the singing and candles bit... and Jesus of course... he was a bit of a spunk.  So I left and took my Jesus into New Ageism and Christ Consciousness,  only to find a man that apparently channelled Jesus himself. Wow!... this was much more entertaining. Unfortunately this guy turned out to be low on the integrity scales and after a rather messy sex scandal with some of the 'ashram' members, I found myself in a clueless, cultless, and teacherless de-sha-vue... vowing never do it again.

Ahh yes...."how soon we forget".... is the seeker's mantra!

It wasn't long and I found another bloke that was sprouting forth about 'non authority' as a way to live life... which sounded great except for the problem of him wanting a lot of say over my choices in life. It was at this point that I really decided to step out of the spiritual seeking merry-go-round, be they individuals or groups, and go it alone.

It was a couple of years before I even let myself near any spritual teachings... or so I thought.  No!... this was different, this was practical, this was about getting my life together after years of floating about with my head in the clouds... this was Manifesting! Yes I joined the millions in the teachings of 'The Secret' and started my own group! Ahhh... no more teachers for me, I was the master of my own destiny now!

Of course, nothing really changed, and I became quite exhausted with these practices... enter Kathy and the non-duality teachings. Now as I've said before, it took me a couple of years to embrace, let alone start to understand these teachings, but over time I have listened to the words of Adyashanti, Jackie O'Keeffe, Scott Kiloby, Francis Lucille, Rupert Spira etc... and of course my friend Kathy.  Which leads me to the question that arose about a week ago... do I need a non-duality teacher?

Coincidently I was listening to a radio broadcast by Adyashanti last week, followed by a video on YouTube called Western Masters of Non Duality (highly recommended) featuring Francis Lucille, Rupert Spira, Greg Goode and Jeff Foster.  They all said a teacher was not necessary but can be helpful. So I took my question to Kathy... in a round-a-bout way. I asked her if she would call herself a 'teacher'? She said no. What I really wanted to ask was 'Would you be my teacher?', but somehow the words just wouldn't come out of my mouth.  She went onto say I didn't need one. I heard the clarity in this, together with a resonance in my body, and after a few days a peace within. So it was with great interest today, when I opened the Non Duality America post, to see that Dr Robert Saltzman calls himself a 'non teacher' and says...

At a certain point, advice and words from anyone—Nisargadatta, Ramana, or the man in the moon—cease to have meaning. Those words may have served as a pointer along the way, and that's fine, but sooner or later you will have to forget ALL those words and go it alone. This is why it is said that if you meet the Buddha in the road, kill him. If you do not kill the Buddha, you will remain forever a disciple and never actually find the ground of your OWN being... (continued here)

 I like that. Mx







Sunday, November 4, 2012

The sound of water falling

Image by MBPblue

I came up from the wave and heard the water falling from my body. It was as if I had never heard this sound before. I mean... I swim in the ocean all year round and delight in diving under the waves to feel the cold water over my head, only to resurface amongst the bubbles of the backwash squealing in childish joy.  I tell myself I am swimming in champagne!

Then the mind steps in... I must know this sound of water falling from my body!... yet it's like I've never heard it before. The sound was so intense, magnified, and new. Then there was a noticing that every sound was somehow magnified and new. The waves, the birds, the wind, and the movement of my body was all in perfect chorus. I laughed in abandon ... a fleeting moment of experience... and the mind steps in... don't get attached Melinda!.

I had been aware for a few days prior of a building sense of quiet or calm. I even spent some time with Kathy and watched how my mind spun out afterwards exhausting me... and yet something else...  deeper, quiet, still was present. I wrote to Kathy asking if I could see her again and shared my recent experience in the ocean. I assured her I wasn't chasing anything but was feeling drawn to spend more time together. She replied:


You are just fine as it is. The noticing that you need to rest is just
that the mind hasn't been met with engaging. It doesn't know what to
do with it.

Stay with the tears and softness.


Wanting to see me again is also chasing an experience. This has

nothing to do with a 'me'. Watch the mind spin another story how
something other than 'now' will be of benifit to a 'Melinda'.

Don't do anything and sit with every feeling with disinterest. Nothing

more than that.

You are not experiencing more levels of presence. The 'you' thought is

not there when what you really are is Present.

Presence never comes and goes.


love,


Kathy



Thanks Kathy... it's always loving to hear truth. Mx





Sunday, October 14, 2012

Drop to your knees

Image of woman kneeling  (source unknown)
Yesterday was weird... I felt weird all day... and couldn't seem to resolve why? I ended up at a friend's house watching a DVD on relationships... or rather how a woman can attract a man. Even this was weird because I no longer feel drawn to this type of information... but as I was in a weird space I found myself saying 'OK, let's watch it!' It wasn't very long and I was wishing I had never said 'OK'... which then led to a lot of judgement about the presenter and the information she was conveying, until finally I was rolling around laughing. She was demonstrating a process and saying:  'as women we need to feel our emotions and not deny them... so much so that when the feelings come, drop to your knees and let yourself feel them... letting yourself do this action wherever you are!' I started having Monty Python visions of women in all sorts of life scenarios falling to their knees and decided it was time for me to excuse myself and let the day's weirdness pass with the night's sleep.

Well today wasn't much different. Another weird day feeling out of sorts and not sure why. Being Sunday, I decided to give myself a break and just relax. I finished reading the book 'Three cups of tea' by Greg Mortenson who built over 100 schools in Pakistan and Afghanistan in the last decade to educate children, especially girls. I found myself crying. I was aware of myself reading this book with tears running down my cheeks and wondering why?  It felt quite surreal. Then tonight I was watching a documentary on television about the migration of birds and again found myself crying, but this time I remembered last night's DVD and I did it.... I dropped to my knees. I let myself sob for no apparent reason. It didn't last long and I have no idea what triggered it. A series of images and thoughts from my past flashed through my awareness and the emotion seemed centred around a deep sense of loss and regret... none of which was hung onto... and then as quickly as it occured it was gone. I rose to my feet, found a tissue to dry my eyes and started doing the evenings dishes. Done... no story.

I was watching a great interview with Rupert Spira on You Tube this week. He spoke of awareness as  the nature of experience and was pointing the interviewer towards this by asking him to hold a cup and just gently enquire or feel into what is the experience. It was such a simple message and poweful pointer.

I am continually, every so gently and humbly reminded that 'I' am not doing the doing or having the experience, but rather being done... and being experience.

Mx





Monday, September 24, 2012

Kathy

Image: 'Kathy'  by Melinda Blair Paterson

Hi All... It's been a few weeks since I last posted. I seem to have been in a space of 'not sure what to say!' I've wanted to talk about my friend, Kathy, but am not sure where to start or what to say or not say. I certainly do not wish to offend Kathy, or say anything that is inappropriate, afterall she is a very dear friend and quite a private person. You may have read in prior posts my referring to 'my awake friend'. Well it seems time to come clean, cause talking about or writing the words 'my awake friend' just feels like a bit of a wank really.

Kathy is someone that came into my life a few years ago. We regularly bumped into each other at spritual gatherings and on the streets of Byron Bay when she was visiting. We would go and have a cuppa together and I would listen as she began telling me about consciousness... or awareness... or whatever you want to call it. I didn't even know the term 'non duality' back then.  I really tried to understand what she was talking about, but I was very much into the Law of Attraction teachings at the time and living the dream! Needless to say, I was totally into controlling the mind and not really able to crasp what on earth she was talking about as it was definitely not from the mind!

I would go away feeling exhausted, 'brain fry', as I call it, and yet always came back for more. These spontaneous meetings happened on and off over a couple of years until Kathy and her partner came to live in Byron Bay.... that's when things really started to hot up for me regarding 'non duality'. It was like I had been wandering in the desert of new ageism and spirituality for years, only to finally find a river from which I could drink, and drink I did. I couldn't get enough at first. I just wanted to hang out with Kathy every opportunity I could, ask questions... and I had lots of questions;  gain glimpses (or so it seemed), and  slowly, ever so slowly, begin to notice changes within myself.

It's been twelve months now and I've loved being around Kathy... and I've hated it. I've seen myself drink from the river until I could take no more only to scream within 'No, I don't want to hear another word!' Kathy knows this of course. She senses my resistence every time, and every time it is excruciating... the resistence I mean... and then it passes.

After awhile new friends met Kathy and my one-on-ones became groups of people all hungry for the same. All hungry to know the truth and wake up. So I learnt to let go of my personal time with Kathy and watched as others drank in the energy, ask the questions and made the quiet shifts within.

I had the priviledge of spending a day with Kathy last week. I offered to help her move house. It was like our early days together.  Pretty much from the moment I walked in the door it was on... we were talking awareness... well let me clarify... Kathy was talking from awareness... I was listening and asking my usual mindy questions... but it was a great day. We'd move a few boxes, take a load to the next house, sit down for a cuppa, talk for an hour or so and then do another load, then it was time to eat... more talk, then another load etc. The day just effortless passed and the moving somehow happened within it. We even had time to explore the property, check out the new gardens, vegie patch and local creek. It was amazing. I felt so alive the whole time... and in so much love. You see that's Kathy... the presence of Love.

My perception and experience of Kathy is she is a very ordinary person. She has no need to teach and yet when we get together I am so grateful that she spontaneously lets it flow from her like a river. It's effortless. Of course, after spending the day with Kathy I came home... and Yep... you guested it... 'brain fry' big time.  It sometimes feels like I've been run over by a Mac truck... and there is not a lot to say... in fact I find there is nothing to say... and that's great.

So where a couple of weeks ago I was screaming 'No, I don't want to hear anymore'... in this moment...my heart is open, I feel rested and relaxed, and watching... yes lots of watching... and welcoming it all... and just being. There seems to be an increase of compassion for others, a willingness to feel my aloneness, and a deeper sense of trust in life. I'm very grateful Kathy is in my life. I'm very grateful that the 'thing' that is undoing me continues to draw me to Kathy and the presence of Love in her, and others like her. As Kathy would say... it's just Love drawn towards Love. I suppose that means the Love in me also. M x


Sunday, September 9, 2012

The Verandah Report

Image:  Podie in my world... by MBPblue

Sitting here on my verandah this morning I notice the cows are visiting again. They are not always in the paddock next to my cabin,  being moved around the property for availability of feed, and it's always a delight when they pop back into my daily life. It's spring here in Australia and all the little podies (calves) are popping out and joining my world. It's such a child like thrill to see them running around the paddock, flexing their young limbs, playing with each other until it's time to find Mum for a drink. I watch during the day as the herd comes and goes from my view. They seem to have a natural rhythm for moving from one end of the paddock to the other. My end seems to be a favourite for late afternoon munchings, and sometimes late night rubbings up against the verandah posts or chewing on my blinds... both of which will have me stomping outside letting them know this is not welcome behaviour. Vandalistic cows are not ok!... and of course the podies are the worst. As they mature they are just like rebellious teenagers and take little notice of my shooing or stomping. Over the years I've surrendered more... less shooing and stomping... more 'oh well, the cow is just being a cow, and that's how it is.' It's become more like... I'm the visitor in their world.

Animals, birds, nature in general are a wonderful reminder of that. Living close to nature as I do, I am constantly bought back to the moment of now as I observe the flight and song of a bird, the silent passing of a cloud or butterfly, and the brief scent of blossom or the gentle rustle of leaves brought by the wind. Of course there are many such moments, in fact, they are endless. It is something I find nature gently reminds me... again and again. It's all endless... or as Jackie O'Keeffe says... just movements taking place in form.

I was reading her book 'Born to be Free' this morning, and in the chapter 'effortless' she writes:  Let what is moving, move; without your interest, thoughts pass by. Pay no attention to them and, in doing so, your actions will leave no trace of a personal agenda... All that has form happens within that which is... Thus, one can only be part of the unfolding of consciousness, whether living from the natural state or living a personal life.'

I've been pondering this idea for a week now. The idea that whether someone is so called 'awake' or not, aware of their natural state or not, doesn't matter because we are all consciousness... just movements taking place in form. I've felt a relaxing and a letting go, a sense that it doesn't matter what my so called status of awareness may be... or not. Phew! That's a relief. I think I'll just go grab another cuppa on the verandah and watch the cows moooove!  M x

Friday, August 31, 2012

It's a Yellow Day...

Image: detail from artwork by Colleen DaRosa

I woke up this morning with images of yellow paintings stalking my thoughts. Only the corners of paintings mind you... a peculiar phenomenon. I'm an artist, and at the moment I am back in the studio playing with paint again. I went to art school a few years ago and came out of it with lots of great technical info but also lots of concepts. Prior to art school I called myself an intuitive artist. I use to paint people's Soul Essence, whereby, I believed I was able to tune into a client's soul and express this on canvas in an abstact way. It was just where I was at... at that time. I did this quite successfully for about three years before attending art school. Since leaving art school I have really struggled with my artistic expression. Whenever I approached the canvas and made marks all I could hear were my teachers in my head. I felt I had lost my artistic intutitive or authentic place within, subsequently I choose to put the brush down and just wait... wait for the voices to subside... wait for an authentic place or movement towards the canvas to arise... wait for inspiration!

About two weeks ago I picked up the brush...  and I also started jogging. Finally there was some movement at the station after months of depression, anxiety, 'couch potato' and an expanding waistline. In this time I have watched a lot of things fall away... beliefs, concepts, interests, friends... but I have refused to let go of chocolate!  During my period of abstinence... painting not chocolate... I started to explore this idea 'what would 'Void, Stillness or Silence' look like on the canvas?' Initially I approached this like art school. I did my research on the internet, cut out images, read art magazines and non duality books, did some sketches, kept a journal... which all came to a pretty disappointing end. Again, I put it all away and just waited eating chocolate. Months went by. Finally the day arrived. I got up... I went for a jog... and in the afternoon I went into the studio. My first couple of canvases have been pretty bad... doing what was familiar... crosses... I've always had an obsession with crosses. It's one of the first symbols I ever painted and turns up again and again in my work. I thought 'oh no, not this again!' and wondered if I needed to put the brush back down. However, over the next few mornings I began to see corners of paintings in my mind just on awakening... and I mean corners. I was seeing corners of colour in the corner of a canvas. I ignored it for a few days and kept on with my bad paintings and crosses.... working, reworking, overworking... until in frustration I painted the corner thingy. Stepping back from the canvas I watched within and realised... for now it speaks to me!

So at the moment I am experimenting with paintings that have corners of colour. Perhaps this may lead to a representation of 'Void, Silence, Stillness.' Yes I know... it's still a concept, but hey... it speaks to me for now.  What do they look like you may ask? Pretty blank... colour... minimalist. I heard Adyashanti in his radio broadcast yesterday say "When you believe with every fibre of your being that content (thoughts) are untrue... it all falls away." Hmmm maybe that's what is happening on the canvas also? M x







Friday, August 24, 2012

Morning!

Image: 'Just passing thru' by MBPblue

I spend most mornings heading towards the beach for a walk... and of late... a slow jog. I've never really got into running before, but had a vision of myself running on the beach a month or so ago, and one day it just started happening. Who knew?

Mornings are not always the easiest time for me. When I say that, I really mean those first waking moments. As I come out of the dream state or sleep into awareness of the day I notice my first thoughts are often disturbing, and what I would say... not like 'me' at all. I have no idea where they come from... they just appear in my awareness. A couple of times I have even been aware of the moment 'I' focuses or grabs onto 'thought'. You know what I mean? When the 'I' starts it's day. I've also felt the movement from the sleep state into the awake state as moving from an expansive lightness into a dense contraction... my response being 'Oh  no, not this again... not another day of this!'

Of course it's not all doom and gloom. I am learning to just wait... just rest... and it passes... and with that is a dawning (sorry bad pun!) that these thoughts are just an illusion. This morning I was in one of these contracted moments waiting for it to pass when I found myself pick up my iPhone and check me emails. Now I never usually do this first thing... however, as is becoming the norm of late (or I'm just noticing it more), I do things and then catch on a second or so later that it's happening. Anyway... in my Inbox was an email from Peter with a link to a video of Mooji called 'All delusions will fall'. Perfect timing!

The video goes for about 20minutes and is a dialogue between Mooji and a man. Mooji is gently trying to point the man towards Awareness, that which is All with no 'I' of separation etc etc... you know what I mean. I found myself feeling a bit impatient... wanting to stop watching... get up... get away... distract. You know  this one too don't you? Then that 'thing' arose... Wait, listen... and my awarenss shifted. I heard Mooji speak:

"The space from where I'm speaking and towards what I'm speaking... that all delusions will fall... and it appears that there are forces internally, as part of the play of consciousness who's work is to block that from happening. To keep your focus on your physical being, on your terrestrial existence, because as long as you are in that, you see, it can procreate."


Thanks Mooji... thanks Peter...  M x




Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Just Rest

Like children... we all want to see what's inside!


It's been a week or so since my last post...Ummm. What can I say? I forgot (which is true), I didn't think anyone would even find this blog (which apparent is not true), and even if they did find it they would probably hit the 'get me out of here' delete button or back arrow faster than you can poke a stick at it! (as my mother would say). Also, apparently NOT true!.

Why?... because tonight I sat down and turned off the telly (cause I just can't stand it anymore), and watched that 'thing' inside me pick up the laptop, connect to the internet and open this blog. OMG... someone left a comment! Shit... what do I do?

STOP... Breathe... Laugh. (thought arises "maybe I had better check my email address for this blog"). OMG... people have been writing me emails for the past week and I had no idea! Instant mixture of joy, overwhelm and shock. So thank you, thank you , thank you to all that have taken the time to make a comment, email me and share yourselves... or whatever it is that we are not! I am deeply touched.

In the last post I was wishing I was a mermaid. Well that has continued as I venture into the cold currents along our Byron Bay shoreline at this time of year, however, there has been a lightness feature in my being this week and I'm not really sure why. I was certainly having a torturous time last week to the point where, yet again, I was in the fetal position on my bed feeling the absolute 'pointlessness' of every thought, idea or belief the mind could muster and 'so called' throw at me. It's in these moments (and thankfully they are few and far between) I have enough inner wisdom and learning to know to just relax, breathe, embrace, surrender and it does pass. Moments later I am up, doing dishes, getting breakfast and heading out the door for my morning walk and ocean dip. It's a weird life I live that's for sure... and certainly not for the faint hearted. I mean, you have to be some kinda Weird Warrior to ride the wave of thoughts and subsequent emotions that occur on this journey of awakening... which is going nowhere. I mean... how many people in their right mind would sign up for a journey going nowhere? And yet here I am, and if you are reading this, here you are too!

So a couple of days later... having emerged from the fetal position and catching my breath till the next dip into awareness oblivion, a friend of mine suggests I listen to the Balanced View teachings. Have you heard of them? I have actually found them quiet helpful. The founder, Candice, is American, lives in Northern California and they have centres in India and Sweden. They offer a training program called Balanced View and have all sorts of material you can download for free on their website. Anyway... my friend gave me a whole bunch of downloads and I started to listen. What did I hear Candice say? Rest! Just Rest!

At first I was like... what does she mean 'just rest'? Does she mean lay down, take a nap, take a deep breath? Then somewhere, sometime in the listening, I got it... I just felt the internal world shift... and I relaxed. Ahhhhhh. I have no idea if this is just a momentary thing... or perhaps a day or two... or more. I'll keep you posted. What I have noticed is an inner calm and an openness. It's seems too simple. Hmmmm... let's see? Mx

ps A big thanks to Jerry Katz of nonduality.com for kindly featuring my blog in his recent newsletter. It seems that's how most of you guys found me. X




Wednesday, August 8, 2012

I wish I was a mermaid

Image:  Kazzie Mahina... local Byron mermaid, swimming in Tonga with a Humpback Whale

Everyday is a moment... and I'm never sure what I'm doing one day to the next. Recent days have included being back in the studio splashing around some paint, or my garden project of creating a bird bath and planting flowers. I've really got into watching the London Olympics, which together with our beautiful Byron Spring weather, has thankfully inspired me to get out in the mornings for a beach walk and swim. I'm so grateful for this and definitely feeling better for a bit of sunshine and physical activity. Winter did seem to be an endless stream of cold wet days and couch potato activity. Hence I am heavier and rounder than ever and would really like to slim down a bit for summer. Emotionally it is a never ending unknown. Some days are good... some days are depressing... both for unknown reasons. I do wonder what I am doing with my life... still out to lunch on that one. I found myself listening again to Adyashanti's talk on' Depression - Dark Night of the Soul' this week, and certainly found a resonance with his explanation of this experience.

I see friends of mine on facebook... out there exploring the world. I love the idea of travel... but with no money at the moment that's just an idea. I have thought about getting a job and even applied for one recently... but the woman was going away and said she would get back to me. I don't really have any answers... as I said it's just a moment to moment thing. This morning I found myself balling my eyes out watching Anna Meares and Sally Pearson win gold on the Olympics and I'm not even sporty!!! I'm just all tooooo weird even for myself these days.

I never know what is going to happen next, or not, how I'm going to feel or respond to life or not.... it really is a mystery and yet I am constantly... and I mean constantly... trying to work it out. Exhausting!!! I suppose the best moment and the best thing I can find these days are the moments I am in the ocean... dipping, swimming, splashing and screaming in my natural naked state. This is where I feel the most of something that is authentically me. Unfortunately it is only a 10minute swim in a 24hour day. Shame I'm not a mermaid. I think I could happily live in the ocean.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Trying

I thought and thought and thought... and still I didn't wake up!

 

Image: detail from painting by Michael Zavros in his current exhibition 'Glass' at Tweed River Gallery, Murwillumbah.

Kind of silly ... don't you think? I mean, it seems ridiculous to try and stop the thoughts. Have you ever?.... impossible!! I mean I agree that there can be a quietening, and/or a distancing from thoughts, but to actually stop them all together? Not possible. I'm not a meditator but I've heard a lot of people have tried over the years much to their disappointment.

Then there is the idea that I just have to move beyond my thoughts to 'that place' which is awake! Have you ever tried that one too?... even more impossible!! I mean, where is this place that is beyond thought? Surely it can only be 'the mind' or just another thought that says there is a place to get to. My awake friend once told me that if you are referencing 'time' or 'object' you are still in 'the mind'. I don't know about you, but I am finding the trying to work this out, the trying to get somewhere, the trying to stop thinking, the trying... trying... trying... EXHAUSTING!

I'm not sure what the answer is... perhaps there isn't one. Perhaps it is just another thought, just 'the mind' that is seeking an answer.

I'm not sure what to do or don't... perhaps this isn't it either.

You know... I always seem to come back to the same place where I realise I've been trying.. trying.. trying... to work this 'waking up' thing out. And again and again and again, I find I just don't know. I recognise that I am TRYING, and I realise it would be wise to stop! I just haven't been able to stop trying yet. Perhaps the trying... which is just thoughts... is an addiction? Hmmmm I'll just go and think about that one. :) M x

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Waking up

Well yesterday it seemed like a great idea to start this blog whereby I intend to diarise, journal and share my thoughts on my path to so called 'waking up'. Today I'm not so sure. I mean, what have I got to say that is of any interest or significance to another on this subject? Hmmm... point taken. However, seeing I'm not expecting anyone to find this blog in a hurry or maybe even take the time to read it, let alone respond, I might as well flick those doubts and get on with it.

Image:  Drawing by Vernon Ah Kee, great contemporary Australian Indigenous artist.


Ok.. firstly I want to say I'm just an ordinary person with an ordinary life, who happens to have a 'thing' that never goes away. Some people may call it a passion or purpose; maybe even a destiny or fate... but for me, I don't even know what it is anymore. It just seems to keep going, exploring, inquiring, wanting to know, trying to understand,  and searching for something. It's been there as long as I can remember, its pushed and pulled me through a miriad of spiritual experiences, some of which make great stories that I may share in later posts.

This 'thing' is internal. It's not a thought, or even a feeling, and yet it will present itself as both. Whatever it seems, again and again I find myself drawn back to the path of 'waking up'... and by that I mean I'm trying to understand myself and my life beyond what I've been told and accepted is real. And I think 'trying' is the operative word here. I'm probably 'trying' too hard, and all the books and teachings say there is no point in 'trying' to 'wake up' because the 'I' can't make it happen. Why?... because the 'I' doesn't actually exist. Get that! 'You' or 'I' don't actually exist. Yeah its a bit of a brain fry when you first hear it. I know I just sniggered... until I went looking.

When I was first asked by an awake friend to see if I could find an 'I' or 'Me'... everything internally went very quiet. I mean I could feel my physical body and my breathing. I heard my thoughts and saw images... but when I tried to see 'Me' internally there was no one there... everything became very black... very blank... spacious even. It's a bit weird to try and describe, and unless you have had the same experience or similar, it probably sounds a bit crazy, but I couldn't find an 'I' or a 'Me'. I suppose this was a significant moment in my journey so far.

What do I mean by the words 'waking up'? Well the dictionary says:  the act of waking. Derrr.... well I'm blonde so I thought this definition might help :)   Non duality teachings say it is to awaken from the illusion or dream. My version to date is that I can see the thoughts and feel the emotions, but as I watch them, I also see them fade away. I suppose what I'm hoping for, presuming maybe, and endlessly seeking is a seeing that is not of the mind, not of the 'I'. And that my friends has not occurred yet, although if I am to believe the books and teachings apparently I am that already... I'm just too caught in the 'I' to see it. Bummer!

Monday, July 23, 2012

Beginning

Hi... This blog is an idea I've had for awhile, and for whatever reason, today is the day I'm watching myself start at the 'Beginning'. I'm not sure what will transpire here, however the intention is simply to share my journey of awakening (if I can be so bold to presume I'm waking up!) with honesty and clarity, and perhaps you might like to share a little of yours in response.
  

a little about me:

I live in Byron Bay, Australia where I reside in a little cabin at the back of 170 acres, with great landlords (just over the hill) and some 40 head of cattle for company. It's a very quiet existence and I spend a lot of time at home. Why? I have no idea. I don't remember planning my life like this, and yet I have always yearned for space, quiet and lots of free time. I've worked in the corporate world and had my own small businesses;  travelled around the world, been married for a nano second, and am still out to lunch on the relationship status. I suppose my primary relationship is with moir. Parenthood didn't occur, so it seems I've been given a lifetime of 'time' to ponder, wonder, inquire, create and explore myself through religion, new ageism, cults, spirituality, creativity, and in more recent years, non-dualism and awareness teachings. I live an ordinary life, with its normal ups and downs, and yet I have to acknowledge it is incredibly blessed. I have good health, good friends, a roof over my head, organic food on the table, clothes on my back, a reliable car, and am debt free. I've discovered I need very little in life to be comfortable and happy, and yet again and again I feel the pull to know... 'Who am I, without the 'I'?'.  My name is Melinda. I look forward to sharing the journey. M x