Thursday, July 26, 2012

Trying

I thought and thought and thought... and still I didn't wake up!

 

Image: detail from painting by Michael Zavros in his current exhibition 'Glass' at Tweed River Gallery, Murwillumbah.

Kind of silly ... don't you think? I mean, it seems ridiculous to try and stop the thoughts. Have you ever?.... impossible!! I mean I agree that there can be a quietening, and/or a distancing from thoughts, but to actually stop them all together? Not possible. I'm not a meditator but I've heard a lot of people have tried over the years much to their disappointment.

Then there is the idea that I just have to move beyond my thoughts to 'that place' which is awake! Have you ever tried that one too?... even more impossible!! I mean, where is this place that is beyond thought? Surely it can only be 'the mind' or just another thought that says there is a place to get to. My awake friend once told me that if you are referencing 'time' or 'object' you are still in 'the mind'. I don't know about you, but I am finding the trying to work this out, the trying to get somewhere, the trying to stop thinking, the trying... trying... trying... EXHAUSTING!

I'm not sure what the answer is... perhaps there isn't one. Perhaps it is just another thought, just 'the mind' that is seeking an answer.

I'm not sure what to do or don't... perhaps this isn't it either.

You know... I always seem to come back to the same place where I realise I've been trying.. trying.. trying... to work this 'waking up' thing out. And again and again and again, I find I just don't know. I recognise that I am TRYING, and I realise it would be wise to stop! I just haven't been able to stop trying yet. Perhaps the trying... which is just thoughts... is an addiction? Hmmmm I'll just go and think about that one. :) M x

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Waking up

Well yesterday it seemed like a great idea to start this blog whereby I intend to diarise, journal and share my thoughts on my path to so called 'waking up'. Today I'm not so sure. I mean, what have I got to say that is of any interest or significance to another on this subject? Hmmm... point taken. However, seeing I'm not expecting anyone to find this blog in a hurry or maybe even take the time to read it, let alone respond, I might as well flick those doubts and get on with it.

Image:  Drawing by Vernon Ah Kee, great contemporary Australian Indigenous artist.


Ok.. firstly I want to say I'm just an ordinary person with an ordinary life, who happens to have a 'thing' that never goes away. Some people may call it a passion or purpose; maybe even a destiny or fate... but for me, I don't even know what it is anymore. It just seems to keep going, exploring, inquiring, wanting to know, trying to understand,  and searching for something. It's been there as long as I can remember, its pushed and pulled me through a miriad of spiritual experiences, some of which make great stories that I may share in later posts.

This 'thing' is internal. It's not a thought, or even a feeling, and yet it will present itself as both. Whatever it seems, again and again I find myself drawn back to the path of 'waking up'... and by that I mean I'm trying to understand myself and my life beyond what I've been told and accepted is real. And I think 'trying' is the operative word here. I'm probably 'trying' too hard, and all the books and teachings say there is no point in 'trying' to 'wake up' because the 'I' can't make it happen. Why?... because the 'I' doesn't actually exist. Get that! 'You' or 'I' don't actually exist. Yeah its a bit of a brain fry when you first hear it. I know I just sniggered... until I went looking.

When I was first asked by an awake friend to see if I could find an 'I' or 'Me'... everything internally went very quiet. I mean I could feel my physical body and my breathing. I heard my thoughts and saw images... but when I tried to see 'Me' internally there was no one there... everything became very black... very blank... spacious even. It's a bit weird to try and describe, and unless you have had the same experience or similar, it probably sounds a bit crazy, but I couldn't find an 'I' or a 'Me'. I suppose this was a significant moment in my journey so far.

What do I mean by the words 'waking up'? Well the dictionary says:  the act of waking. Derrr.... well I'm blonde so I thought this definition might help :)   Non duality teachings say it is to awaken from the illusion or dream. My version to date is that I can see the thoughts and feel the emotions, but as I watch them, I also see them fade away. I suppose what I'm hoping for, presuming maybe, and endlessly seeking is a seeing that is not of the mind, not of the 'I'. And that my friends has not occurred yet, although if I am to believe the books and teachings apparently I am that already... I'm just too caught in the 'I' to see it. Bummer!

Monday, July 23, 2012

Beginning

Hi... This blog is an idea I've had for awhile, and for whatever reason, today is the day I'm watching myself start at the 'Beginning'. I'm not sure what will transpire here, however the intention is simply to share my journey of awakening (if I can be so bold to presume I'm waking up!) with honesty and clarity, and perhaps you might like to share a little of yours in response.
  

a little about me:

I live in Byron Bay, Australia where I reside in a little cabin at the back of 170 acres, with great landlords (just over the hill) and some 40 head of cattle for company. It's a very quiet existence and I spend a lot of time at home. Why? I have no idea. I don't remember planning my life like this, and yet I have always yearned for space, quiet and lots of free time. I've worked in the corporate world and had my own small businesses;  travelled around the world, been married for a nano second, and am still out to lunch on the relationship status. I suppose my primary relationship is with moir. Parenthood didn't occur, so it seems I've been given a lifetime of 'time' to ponder, wonder, inquire, create and explore myself through religion, new ageism, cults, spirituality, creativity, and in more recent years, non-dualism and awareness teachings. I live an ordinary life, with its normal ups and downs, and yet I have to acknowledge it is incredibly blessed. I have good health, good friends, a roof over my head, organic food on the table, clothes on my back, a reliable car, and am debt free. I've discovered I need very little in life to be comfortable and happy, and yet again and again I feel the pull to know... 'Who am I, without the 'I'?'.  My name is Melinda. I look forward to sharing the journey. M x