Friday, August 31, 2012

It's a Yellow Day...

Image: detail from artwork by Colleen DaRosa

I woke up this morning with images of yellow paintings stalking my thoughts. Only the corners of paintings mind you... a peculiar phenomenon. I'm an artist, and at the moment I am back in the studio playing with paint again. I went to art school a few years ago and came out of it with lots of great technical info but also lots of concepts. Prior to art school I called myself an intuitive artist. I use to paint people's Soul Essence, whereby, I believed I was able to tune into a client's soul and express this on canvas in an abstact way. It was just where I was at... at that time. I did this quite successfully for about three years before attending art school. Since leaving art school I have really struggled with my artistic expression. Whenever I approached the canvas and made marks all I could hear were my teachers in my head. I felt I had lost my artistic intutitive or authentic place within, subsequently I choose to put the brush down and just wait... wait for the voices to subside... wait for an authentic place or movement towards the canvas to arise... wait for inspiration!

About two weeks ago I picked up the brush...  and I also started jogging. Finally there was some movement at the station after months of depression, anxiety, 'couch potato' and an expanding waistline. In this time I have watched a lot of things fall away... beliefs, concepts, interests, friends... but I have refused to let go of chocolate!  During my period of abstinence... painting not chocolate... I started to explore this idea 'what would 'Void, Stillness or Silence' look like on the canvas?' Initially I approached this like art school. I did my research on the internet, cut out images, read art magazines and non duality books, did some sketches, kept a journal... which all came to a pretty disappointing end. Again, I put it all away and just waited eating chocolate. Months went by. Finally the day arrived. I got up... I went for a jog... and in the afternoon I went into the studio. My first couple of canvases have been pretty bad... doing what was familiar... crosses... I've always had an obsession with crosses. It's one of the first symbols I ever painted and turns up again and again in my work. I thought 'oh no, not this again!' and wondered if I needed to put the brush back down. However, over the next few mornings I began to see corners of paintings in my mind just on awakening... and I mean corners. I was seeing corners of colour in the corner of a canvas. I ignored it for a few days and kept on with my bad paintings and crosses.... working, reworking, overworking... until in frustration I painted the corner thingy. Stepping back from the canvas I watched within and realised... for now it speaks to me!

So at the moment I am experimenting with paintings that have corners of colour. Perhaps this may lead to a representation of 'Void, Silence, Stillness.' Yes I know... it's still a concept, but hey... it speaks to me for now.  What do they look like you may ask? Pretty blank... colour... minimalist. I heard Adyashanti in his radio broadcast yesterday say "When you believe with every fibre of your being that content (thoughts) are untrue... it all falls away." Hmmm maybe that's what is happening on the canvas also? M x







Friday, August 24, 2012

Morning!

Image: 'Just passing thru' by MBPblue

I spend most mornings heading towards the beach for a walk... and of late... a slow jog. I've never really got into running before, but had a vision of myself running on the beach a month or so ago, and one day it just started happening. Who knew?

Mornings are not always the easiest time for me. When I say that, I really mean those first waking moments. As I come out of the dream state or sleep into awareness of the day I notice my first thoughts are often disturbing, and what I would say... not like 'me' at all. I have no idea where they come from... they just appear in my awareness. A couple of times I have even been aware of the moment 'I' focuses or grabs onto 'thought'. You know what I mean? When the 'I' starts it's day. I've also felt the movement from the sleep state into the awake state as moving from an expansive lightness into a dense contraction... my response being 'Oh  no, not this again... not another day of this!'

Of course it's not all doom and gloom. I am learning to just wait... just rest... and it passes... and with that is a dawning (sorry bad pun!) that these thoughts are just an illusion. This morning I was in one of these contracted moments waiting for it to pass when I found myself pick up my iPhone and check me emails. Now I never usually do this first thing... however, as is becoming the norm of late (or I'm just noticing it more), I do things and then catch on a second or so later that it's happening. Anyway... in my Inbox was an email from Peter with a link to a video of Mooji called 'All delusions will fall'. Perfect timing!

The video goes for about 20minutes and is a dialogue between Mooji and a man. Mooji is gently trying to point the man towards Awareness, that which is All with no 'I' of separation etc etc... you know what I mean. I found myself feeling a bit impatient... wanting to stop watching... get up... get away... distract. You know  this one too don't you? Then that 'thing' arose... Wait, listen... and my awarenss shifted. I heard Mooji speak:

"The space from where I'm speaking and towards what I'm speaking... that all delusions will fall... and it appears that there are forces internally, as part of the play of consciousness who's work is to block that from happening. To keep your focus on your physical being, on your terrestrial existence, because as long as you are in that, you see, it can procreate."


Thanks Mooji... thanks Peter...  M x




Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Just Rest

Like children... we all want to see what's inside!


It's been a week or so since my last post...Ummm. What can I say? I forgot (which is true), I didn't think anyone would even find this blog (which apparent is not true), and even if they did find it they would probably hit the 'get me out of here' delete button or back arrow faster than you can poke a stick at it! (as my mother would say). Also, apparently NOT true!.

Why?... because tonight I sat down and turned off the telly (cause I just can't stand it anymore), and watched that 'thing' inside me pick up the laptop, connect to the internet and open this blog. OMG... someone left a comment! Shit... what do I do?

STOP... Breathe... Laugh. (thought arises "maybe I had better check my email address for this blog"). OMG... people have been writing me emails for the past week and I had no idea! Instant mixture of joy, overwhelm and shock. So thank you, thank you , thank you to all that have taken the time to make a comment, email me and share yourselves... or whatever it is that we are not! I am deeply touched.

In the last post I was wishing I was a mermaid. Well that has continued as I venture into the cold currents along our Byron Bay shoreline at this time of year, however, there has been a lightness feature in my being this week and I'm not really sure why. I was certainly having a torturous time last week to the point where, yet again, I was in the fetal position on my bed feeling the absolute 'pointlessness' of every thought, idea or belief the mind could muster and 'so called' throw at me. It's in these moments (and thankfully they are few and far between) I have enough inner wisdom and learning to know to just relax, breathe, embrace, surrender and it does pass. Moments later I am up, doing dishes, getting breakfast and heading out the door for my morning walk and ocean dip. It's a weird life I live that's for sure... and certainly not for the faint hearted. I mean, you have to be some kinda Weird Warrior to ride the wave of thoughts and subsequent emotions that occur on this journey of awakening... which is going nowhere. I mean... how many people in their right mind would sign up for a journey going nowhere? And yet here I am, and if you are reading this, here you are too!

So a couple of days later... having emerged from the fetal position and catching my breath till the next dip into awareness oblivion, a friend of mine suggests I listen to the Balanced View teachings. Have you heard of them? I have actually found them quiet helpful. The founder, Candice, is American, lives in Northern California and they have centres in India and Sweden. They offer a training program called Balanced View and have all sorts of material you can download for free on their website. Anyway... my friend gave me a whole bunch of downloads and I started to listen. What did I hear Candice say? Rest! Just Rest!

At first I was like... what does she mean 'just rest'? Does she mean lay down, take a nap, take a deep breath? Then somewhere, sometime in the listening, I got it... I just felt the internal world shift... and I relaxed. Ahhhhhh. I have no idea if this is just a momentary thing... or perhaps a day or two... or more. I'll keep you posted. What I have noticed is an inner calm and an openness. It's seems too simple. Hmmmm... let's see? Mx

ps A big thanks to Jerry Katz of nonduality.com for kindly featuring my blog in his recent newsletter. It seems that's how most of you guys found me. X




Wednesday, August 8, 2012

I wish I was a mermaid

Image:  Kazzie Mahina... local Byron mermaid, swimming in Tonga with a Humpback Whale

Everyday is a moment... and I'm never sure what I'm doing one day to the next. Recent days have included being back in the studio splashing around some paint, or my garden project of creating a bird bath and planting flowers. I've really got into watching the London Olympics, which together with our beautiful Byron Spring weather, has thankfully inspired me to get out in the mornings for a beach walk and swim. I'm so grateful for this and definitely feeling better for a bit of sunshine and physical activity. Winter did seem to be an endless stream of cold wet days and couch potato activity. Hence I am heavier and rounder than ever and would really like to slim down a bit for summer. Emotionally it is a never ending unknown. Some days are good... some days are depressing... both for unknown reasons. I do wonder what I am doing with my life... still out to lunch on that one. I found myself listening again to Adyashanti's talk on' Depression - Dark Night of the Soul' this week, and certainly found a resonance with his explanation of this experience.

I see friends of mine on facebook... out there exploring the world. I love the idea of travel... but with no money at the moment that's just an idea. I have thought about getting a job and even applied for one recently... but the woman was going away and said she would get back to me. I don't really have any answers... as I said it's just a moment to moment thing. This morning I found myself balling my eyes out watching Anna Meares and Sally Pearson win gold on the Olympics and I'm not even sporty!!! I'm just all tooooo weird even for myself these days.

I never know what is going to happen next, or not, how I'm going to feel or respond to life or not.... it really is a mystery and yet I am constantly... and I mean constantly... trying to work it out. Exhausting!!! I suppose the best moment and the best thing I can find these days are the moments I am in the ocean... dipping, swimming, splashing and screaming in my natural naked state. This is where I feel the most of something that is authentically me. Unfortunately it is only a 10minute swim in a 24hour day. Shame I'm not a mermaid. I think I could happily live in the ocean.