Sunday, October 14, 2012

Drop to your knees

Image of woman kneeling  (source unknown)
Yesterday was weird... I felt weird all day... and couldn't seem to resolve why? I ended up at a friend's house watching a DVD on relationships... or rather how a woman can attract a man. Even this was weird because I no longer feel drawn to this type of information... but as I was in a weird space I found myself saying 'OK, let's watch it!' It wasn't very long and I was wishing I had never said 'OK'... which then led to a lot of judgement about the presenter and the information she was conveying, until finally I was rolling around laughing. She was demonstrating a process and saying:  'as women we need to feel our emotions and not deny them... so much so that when the feelings come, drop to your knees and let yourself feel them... letting yourself do this action wherever you are!' I started having Monty Python visions of women in all sorts of life scenarios falling to their knees and decided it was time for me to excuse myself and let the day's weirdness pass with the night's sleep.

Well today wasn't much different. Another weird day feeling out of sorts and not sure why. Being Sunday, I decided to give myself a break and just relax. I finished reading the book 'Three cups of tea' by Greg Mortenson who built over 100 schools in Pakistan and Afghanistan in the last decade to educate children, especially girls. I found myself crying. I was aware of myself reading this book with tears running down my cheeks and wondering why?  It felt quite surreal. Then tonight I was watching a documentary on television about the migration of birds and again found myself crying, but this time I remembered last night's DVD and I did it.... I dropped to my knees. I let myself sob for no apparent reason. It didn't last long and I have no idea what triggered it. A series of images and thoughts from my past flashed through my awareness and the emotion seemed centred around a deep sense of loss and regret... none of which was hung onto... and then as quickly as it occured it was gone. I rose to my feet, found a tissue to dry my eyes and started doing the evenings dishes. Done... no story.

I was watching a great interview with Rupert Spira on You Tube this week. He spoke of awareness as  the nature of experience and was pointing the interviewer towards this by asking him to hold a cup and just gently enquire or feel into what is the experience. It was such a simple message and poweful pointer.

I am continually, every so gently and humbly reminded that 'I' am not doing the doing or having the experience, but rather being done... and being experience.

Mx